Allah Loves Me

This is a throwback from September 28, 2007. But it’s a great reminder to myself that Im a BOSS! And so are You. We are stronger than we believe.
Wow, it’s been 3 months since i started this blog. I thought i’d be writing on a daily basis. Ha! Well, i guess it’s time for an update.
A day or so after i started the blog, my computer crashed. It took a while to get it fixed. Once it was fixed i tried to go online and for some still unknown reason, my internet wasn’t working. So that was about 3 hours and several call sessions with the Verizon technical folks to get that issue fixed. Then procrastination set in. Well actually i couldn’t think of a darn thing to say, except to complain about my kids not giving me a moment of peace to have one complete thought. But i figured why get on the blog just to complain? By the way, i’m not complaining now, i’m actually getting to a point (slowly, but stay with me on this).
So, after muddling thru July, August hit with a bang! Did i mention i was pregnant? Well, by the time August came i was sick. I have a history of preeclampsia during pregnancy. My last child (now almost 18 months) had to be delivered by emergency C-section at 32 weeks gestation and spent 59 days in the NICU. I’ve also had two stillborns, one at full term and one at 26 weeks, plus a couple miscarriages. So i was vigilant about paying close attention to any signs of preeclampsia. Ok, back to August 1: my stomach started hurting, like indigestion. It got painful and started moving up to my right shoulder. I called the advice nurse. She said to call my doctor(it was after hours, that’s why i called her). Anyhoo, i called my doc. Got the answering service. They said they’d page the dr. on call and she’d call me back. So, i waited, and waited and waited……Maybe i’m too patient at times…..Then the pain seem to be subsiding. So i dropped it. I figured i’d go in next week to my appointment and tell my dr. about it. And at least my hands and face weren’t swelling so no preeclampsia. Day two, the pain came back worse. I called my doctor. She had me come in immediately. When I got there my blood pressure was 160/96! She told me the upper gastric pain was a sign of severe preeclampsia and I needed to go straight to the hospital. Go figure. And here i was thinking it was just really bad gas pain.
August 5, i had my second emergency C-section at just 25 weeks gestation! I had a baby girl weighing in at a whopping 1lb and 5oz. My friend and sister in Islam was with me during the surgery. I can’t even explain how much of a blessing she was to me that day. The surgery was a lot harder than the first one and she really helped me focus on Allah and His mercy. Allah puts the right people in my life just at the perfect times. Oh, I’ve gotta give thanks to all the sisters who cooked for my family while i was in the hospital. They all got together and planned meals so my kids wouldn’t think they were totally abandoned. MashAllah. I love you all fisabilillah (for the sake of Allah).
After i left the hospital, my mother came from California to help me and my husband with our two small children (4 yrs, and 1 yr). She was another blessing because I could hardly walk, bend, or lift after the C. So she helped a lot. A week after i came home, we moved house. So in just 2 days after she came we packed up the house and my husband and my older son moved us into a house right near the masjid (another blessing, gotta keep counting um ya know).
Shortly after, we got a call that my 93 yr old grandmother, who lives with my mom was in the hospital. So now, my Mom who came to help me was trying to manage my grandma’s hospital care from across the country. And we now had our youngest and our oldest family members in the hospital.
Time came for Mommy to leave and with her went my older son. He’s moved with her to attend school there and be of some help to my parents who are getting older and need help with things around the house. Plus my grandma is coming home Saturday and will need a lot of attention. May Allah reward his efforts. But i miss him soooooo much. He’s my first born. He’s been a constant in my world for so long. He’s my buddy. Now we talk daily on the phone, but if you’ve ever kissed one of your kids and sent them off….i dunno, to live somewhere else or to college or something, you feel that emptiness even though you know they’re just a phone call away. But i’m managing.
My daughter (Hanan) is in the NICU and weighs 2lbs 15 oz. She’s had minimal problems so far, alhamdulillah (praise to Allah). I’m getting into a routine homeschooling my 4 yr old, while my 1yr old throws tantrums in the background (what are you gonna do?). We’re all just patiently persevering.
So this brings me to my point of the day that these are all signs that Allah loves me. Because He has sent me tests so that i can remember Him and be patient.
Allah says in the Qur’an:
وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوفْ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الأَمَوَالِ وَالأنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ
And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,
الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُواْ إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ
Who, when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return.”
أُولَئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ وَأُولَئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ
Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided.

Sanguine Blades

We were as green
As that immature leaf
Unsampled and discarded
Then the sun smiled
Over and again
Canary, gold, orange, crimson
Warming our faces
Sprinkling star dust
onto our shoulders
Ripening the fruit embedded
beneath our ribs
Until dahlia vines grew around us
Binding, cementing our fate
Budding red leaves sprouting
out thru our pores
Inviting, encouraging
we tasted the blush
of Delectable Euphoria



Amor Dulce (Sweet Love)

Amor dulce, oh how I crave you
Like a fat child with an overgrown sweet tooth
I must give you the whole truth
I’ve never indulged in anything like you
You are pure energy
that gives life to me
A glucose IV inside me
keeping my blood sweet with each heartbeat
And your flavor…mmmm, top lip is caramel, bottom lip chocolate
Your tongue holds the cherry and oh my sweet, I want it
I’m about to lose myself but please don’t trip
Just stay sweet as I descend and I won’t quit
My mouth trails along your neck and lips get
Fingers sunken into hair that’s like cotton candy exploded
Too much sugar is no good, my mind has forboded
But I don’t care cuz I’m dulce overloaded
Your aroma is so sweet it seduces my nose
Moves south and gently kisses where my lust grows
Then even lower to stop and suckle my toes
I need an intervention before everyone knows—
Ah hell! Can’t hide what already shows…
I can’t keep away from that nectarous lolli-pop
My tongue plays amongst two honeyed gum drops
Your candy-cain fingers sweeten my every spot
I’m an addict, I admit, with you I can’t stop
…I don’t want to…
My utmost admiration
for your love’s saturation
As you pour over me reality takes vacation
Nothing else matters except mí amor dulce sensation
To give you love is instinctual, no plot nor plan
You simply melt in my mouth as I glaze in your hand
Intoxicatingly rich, you are my candyman
Do you comprehend?…amor dulce, sweet love, do you understand?



It was a spiritual revival
For my senses and
All other men ceased to exist
Even women became nothing
but mere dandelions
surrounding us
An encompassing halo
of delicate tears
Their joyous envy
sugar and salt
confuse together

If i could exude visually
how you heal my soul’s
battle wounds
my beauty would be
an assualt on all things
previously held in
high esteem for their
asthetic emaculateness

Because of this gift
that comes to me
wearing your form
I can no longer find fault
in our, once, defective world
For i have been favoured
over all other creation
No longer wandering
idle, naked, alone
through a thorny garden
Protected, I’m cloaked
in this royal fabric
That is your love

Blood Written

My youth writes this:

I’ve always loved you.
In my infancy
the angels told me to be patient
He’s running late, they said
My heart numbed
in an enduced coma
Until we both finally arrived at destiny You were not late at all
In my eagerness i arrived too soon Anxiously awaiting
what seemed a mirage
And those
who attempted to shake us
did us favor
Their rumbling blended us together
My thoughts were ur thoughts
Your needs equaled mine
Our desires identical
But this life is a test…

My tears write this:

Waking without you nxt me is…
Is like waking
with no blood in my veins
As if roles reverse
I’ve become Cilmi
Stricken by a love for Hodan
with such intensity
that the phrase ‘lovesick’
becomes only a sneeze of infatuation Feeling my soul’s preparation
for its last journey
I beg the Creator
of all things
to defy mortal physics
I plead for the sea between us
to evaporate and the earths’ plates
to shift atop one another
until so close, you can read your name etched into my heart
exactly where u left it.

My blood writes this:

I’ve become a mad woman
memories of you bring me
to such euphoric laughter
to the brink of suffocation
I’m reminded to inhale
Air over fills my burning lungs
and tears turn crimson
I wipe my face
trying to conjure your touch
Blood stained fingers
right hand over left on my chest
my face is sunken into the earth Begging, pleading for you or death.